As I sat this morning and enjoyed the stillness and quiet of the house before little feet would be heard, little requests would be made, cries would mean I needed to do something to meet the needs of another....that quiet moment....was just for me this morning. Me and my Lord.
I noticed as I was flipping through my prayer journal that the beginning date on the first pages was from January of last year. I was intrigued. I knew where my heart was then. Not good. I was very pregnant. Very sick. Discontent and really struggling spiritually during that time, and so my intrigue got the better of me and I started to glance back at the time and read what was on my heart then.
On one page I penned the following:
"Lord what is it you are trying to teach me in this pregnancy? I have been lacking joy so much. I am feeling a little burdened about it. I want to be excited. I want to be happy, but all I am is happy that this is close to being over. Is that wrong Lord? I'm worried I won't be excited when he or she arrives....help me start to have a longing to meet him or her. Lord thank you for this gift of life. So many wait and wait with no success for pregnancy. Others spend thousands to hold their own little one in their arms. We barely try and you bless us with this child? Why us? What did we do to deserve such a privilege?"
As I pondered that statement I am yet again reminded that God is faithful. He answers our prayers. Maybe not in the time frame we want, but in His timing. He took a hard pregnancy and spilled it over into a hard baby and brought me to my knees countless times to be reminded that without Him I am nothing. I am unable to do this in my own strength. Though I know there will be ups and downs in my life of learning how to be content in all circumstances, I yet again find myself praising God for a part of my life that a few months ago I was begging Him to take away. To "fix." Instead He uses those moments to refine us. To chisel out of us parts that need to be restored, and in it's place, He carves beauty.
The most humbling part of flipping through my prayer journal this morning was this....
Our Baby Names list from last year. I am so very humbled. Humbled that my God would choose us to be parents. And would hand pick me to be those beautiful babies mama. What a privilege. What an honor. And for all the tears, frustrations, discipline, temper tantrums, milk spills, cracker crumbs, diaper blow outs, laundry piles, and sleepless nights....I am so completely humbled. Thank you Jesus for these little lives that call me "mom."