Monday, June 20, 2016

Healing My Heart's Hurts

I dusted this old book off of my shelf last week due to my counselors recommendations.

It's been probably 12 or 13 years since I read it, and oh how healing it is for my heart to hear scripture breathed into life!

One of the lines I recently read states the following:

"Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability."

That smacked me right in the face....a punch right to the gut, and then the tears came...

Oh how it hurts to admit truths about your heart to yourself.  Change is hard.  Growth doesn't come without pain, but we must dig into His deeper plans for us....the growing pains that we have to go through to reveal more of His plan for our allow Him to write our story...

You see when we moved out here last fall, I signed up for a women's book study at church in order to meet new people.  I hadn't even heard of the book, "Idol Lies," by Dee Brestin.  Didn't really sound interesting to me at the time either, but I like to read so I figured it would be fine regardless.  Just wanted to meet new people, and make friends.  I had no idea what God had in store for me through that study.  He completely blew me out of the water with what He started to reveal about me in regards to the state of my heart.

It was through that study that He revealed to me that so often my desire for comfort and control, tends to be more so than my love and obedience for Him, and because of this, I often times do this to those I love most as well....Dave, and the kids.

So when I read this statement in the book I'm reading now, it was another reminder, that God hasn't finished working on my heart in the area of control.

From what I've been told by people I appear to be confident, competent, socially comfortable, and at peace with who I am and where my security lies, but in all honesty, this couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'm good at pushing through.  I've been hurt many times, and in being hurt you often times start to feel calloused.  Hurt hearts, have walls.  Walls sometimes appear as confidence to those who don't know the walls exist, and the walls can't come down, until you deal with the hurt.

I have improved in this area drastically in the last few years, but it's still hard.  So when I hear things like..

"Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability."

It makes me well up with tears because it's true!  It's me!  I appear to be confident and in control only because I am afraid of who people will see me to be when I'm not!  They will see me in my most vulnerable state.  

Who will I be to them if I am not confident?  

Will I still be wanted if I am vulnerable?  

If I am weak? 

Will I be enough?  

That is the core lie laced through all of them....

Am.  I.  Enough?

And so I ask Him...

"But God what if they...."

And His response is ALWAYS..

"I still love you..."

"But if all of that is stripped away from me, who am I?"

"You are still you.  Who I created you to be, not who you are striving to be...."

You see part of #HealingMe isn't just a journey to me being the best me even with an autoimmune disease, it's healing my heart too.  Learning to love who God created me to be, and be secure in His love, and His plans for me is all part of the process too.  A year ago I would have been too proud to say I needed a counselor.  Having one helping me navigate through God's truth is evidence that there is progress, and He is doing a great work in me!

Perhaps that's why He gave me a Word of the Year this year....Surrender!  This is just one small part of the surrendering He has asked me to do!